AUTHORITIES RULE STEGOSAURUS DEATH A HOMICIDE
Suspect captured on security camera; police following ‘solid’ lead
FORT LIVINGROOM, NOVEMBER 28 (Reuters) – Authorities have ruled the death of local resident, Carl the Stegosaurus, a homicide. While the police have not named the suspect – captured in the act by a security camera, as seen in the image obtained by Reuters – a spokesperson has said that the Fort Livingroom Police Department has a “solid” lead and is pursuing it vigorously.
“Well, guys, I hate to say it, but this was no accident,” Sheriff Woody of the Fort Livingroom PD said in an early-morning press conference. “We have a suspect and a warrant, and expect an arrest soon,” he said. Sheriff Woody declined to answer questions from the press, citing the need to protect the investigation’s progress. “Of course, our deepest sympathy goes out to Carl’s companion, Tracey Triceratops, and all of his friends and family,” he said. After a momentary pause, he added, “There’s a snake in my boot!”
Carl the Stegosaurus, a long-time Fort Livingroom resident and respected small business owner, was found dead in the toaster oven on November 24th by friends, who’d gone looking for him when he didn’t return from a snack run to the kitchen. The cause of death was found by the coroner to be “baking for 10 minutes at 425°” and was initially ruled as death by misadventure.
However, new evidence came to light in the very early hours of November 28th, as authorities reviewed security camera footage that had been delayed in delivery to Police HQ. The footage – the source of the still image obtained by Reuters – clearly shows that Carl the Stegosaurus had been lured into the toaster oven with several juicy, ripe, sweet-as-all-get-out strawberries, and then closed inside the oven and baked by the alleged murderer, apparently an Iguanodon, who sources say may have had ties to the victim. Police have not released the suspect’s name as of Thursday morning.
Tracey Triceratops, Carl’s longtime companion and a fixture in the local music scene, could not be reached for comment. Tyrannosaurus Lou, a spokesman for Carl’s family and friends asked the press to respect Tracey and The Gang’s need for privacy in this time of grief, and praised the Fort Livingroom PD’s quick action. “We’re confident that Sheriff Woody and his deputies will bring the bad guy in,” he said. “Although I gotta say it: that Iguanodon – and we ALL know who it is – had better hope Sheriff Woody finds him before, you know, some other folks do. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go line up some Xanax and a therapist for Tracey.”
This ghastly incident has rocked the otherwise quiet community of Fort Livingroom, which hasn’t seen a violent crime since the New Earlier Bedtime Riots of 2011. Pastor Jah Lion of The 1st Church of Zion and several other community leaders have since blamed the crime on rock n’ roll, a loosening of morals among the youth, and a sense of complacency in the general population.